No, it wasn't some friend (or ex boyfriend) getting me into trouble over something. It was Jimmy Choo. Yes of handbag fame, or purse if you're stateside.
I told you we were going to a wedding on Saturday, and all very nice it was too, but I didn't tell you I was getting a new outfit for it and nor did I tell my husband. I know I've also told you I run a small online fashion related retail business and, in the course of same, I use eBay quite a bit for buying, selling and keeping in touch with the competition. Well, I picked up a bargain Jimmy Choo handbag at auction, it's really nice, it was lightly used (I don't mind) but honestly you couldn't tell it from new and it matched my outfit and shoes perfectly so I was a happy bunny. (no picture isn't me or the bag)
So that's the background, now I suppose you can put two and two together and guess more or less what happened. Oh you can? Alright then I won't bother telling you.
Only joking, here it is - we were running on time according to my husband, who doesn't like being late, or early for that matter; he reckoned we had about a twenty minute drive to the church and we had a little time to spare. He was ready to go, just finishing a coffee downstairs when I made my appearance. Ta-da! I swirled around and waited. His response was minimal, he slurped the last of his coffee then after a minute or so asked me when I'd bought it, where from and how much. Crap questions I didn't want to hear let alone answer, what I wanted was same as we all want, to be told I looked nice, great even would have been better. So I asked him how it looked, I shouldn't have to do that but I know my husband, and he said it suited me (big deal, what's that supposed to mean) then asked again where I'd got it from. I told him and said it had been reduced a lot which was true, then I told him what I'd paid.
"Lot of money for a one-off wear," said P.
"It won't be a one-off, I'll get plenty of use out of it, you'll see."
I don't think that convinced him and I'll admit he's more practical minded than me, I'll also admit I do occasionally make purchases which don't see the light of day for ages, in fact sometimes only once. Anyway my husband overcame his obsession for viewing everything like an accountant, came over to me and pecked my cheek and told me it looked good, then corrected himself and told me I looked good and we'd better get going. Feeling happier I said just a minute and went back upstairs to get my handbag, I was back in a trice and beaming, I knew the handbag must have at least doubled my 'looking good-ness'. Well perhaps not to my husband's eyes but it certainly got his attention.
"Is that a new bag," he said. "Not too sure about it, isn't it a bit trendy, a bit young to go with the outfit?" You don't say that sort of thing to a girl when you're about to leave for a wedding and you don't mention young. At least he said young to go with the outfit, I thought, but then again I was wearing the bloody outfit so it obviously applied to me.
"No, P, you're just old fashioned, it's perfect, I'll just have one last check in the mirror." He'd got me worried now. I turned to go upstairs but he caught me arm, he'd spotted the Jimmy Choo brand. He asked me if it was a ripoff and I told him it was the real thing. He said I had to be joking, he knew how much they cost, but I told him I wasn't joking at all it was real and it looked good.
"So how much?" My husband asked. I told him and his eyes widened, I think he was incredulous that it was more than the outfit had cost.
"I suggest if you've still got the packaging that you send it back and tell them it was the wrong colour or something, use one of your other bags and lets get going." I was quite angry and probably a bit emotional too, why couldn't he see how obviously perfect the bag was. I almost stormed off and said stuff the wedding then, I'm not going. But I didn't, instead I stood my ground, in fact anger got the better of me. The 'young' word was still gnawing at me and now the suggestion that I might send my handbag back. No way.
"Fuck you, I'm not sending it back, I paid for it and it's coming with me to the wedding and it looks good, I know it does." But my confidence was waning, emotion was taking over again, think my eyes might even have been welling up, I think P thought so too. He took me over to the sofa, sat down and pulled me across his lap, my handbag fell to the floor, my little tailored jacket pulled half way up my back, my snug fitting skirt was raised up over my stocking tops and then with some difficulty over the cheeks of my bottom. Down came my knickers and down came my husband's hand,
repeatedly and very hard, the sort of spanks that would have had me oohing and aahing and wriggling for more under different circumstances but at the time had me gritting my teeth. I did kick a bit because it hurt and one of my shoes flew off and hit the flat screen, so I was told later, but there was no erotic undertone to it, just a wife getting a sound spanking for swearing at her husband. Yep that was what triggered the spanking, he told me that later too, that and the fact that he reckoned my emotion level was about to peak and he thought it best to step in and take charge.
I was snivelling a bit when he let me up, not crying, I think it was hay fever. Anyway he told me I looked lovely, and to put myself straight and he reckoned we'd still make the church no problem. I said I had to re-do my hair and I'd got creases in my suit and my makeup I was sure looked messy but he said nonsense, just straighten my skirt and jacket, the creases would drop out and the rest of me was perfect. Then I picked up my Jimmy Choo and looked at him, he smiled and said it was ok really, he hoped it was worth a warm backside. Two minutes later we were pulling off the drive.
On the way to the church P put his hand on my knee and said he'd liked my stockings. I said I liked them too and had intended them to be a surprise, to be discovered in not quite the way they were. He said that was fine, they were still a nice surprise, he liked that I took the trouble. He loved being with me too, he said, and that made me feel warm, not that I wasn't already if you get what I mean.
So I reasoned it out on the rest of the journey, I know I shouldn't have sworn at P but it was Jimmy that was really the root cause of my denouement. I think I shall always treasure it a little bit more for the trouble it got me into.
Ronnie
xx
