Monday, 30 April 2018

Wood-fired bottom

I replaced the word 'pizza' with bottom intentionally because it's a better headline but it's true that I did get my bottom fired by wood and it was all over a wood-fired pizza restaurant which has recently opened in town. So there's the link, tenuous as it may be it's true.

You see my husband doesn't do pizzas. Full stop. He has done in the past, just to fit in, give them a try and all that. He's tried them in Rome, London, local Italian, Domino's, Papa John's etc, he thinks he's given them a fair go over a number of years. He's also eaten them at home, which he made himself and which were the only ones he pronounced edible. He says stuff that comes to the front door in cardboard boxes after a car journey isn't his idea of food, the chains do a terrible painting-by-numbers job as usual and there is (or was) only one independent Italian eatery in our town (where P fell out with the owner ages ago) and his weren't much good although his pasta dishes made up for it. comes this new guy, well family, genuine Italians with even slight language problems from the proprietor apparently though not so much from his daughter. Reports have been really good, not a big menu, not a posh wine list, but truly scrumptious pizzas, best ever, all hand made, all traditional Italian ingredients, nothing frozen. Reviewers says it's like walking into a side street family eatery in Naples and getting the best pizza you never thought possible but here it is in the middle of the UK. I only know one person who's been so far and she said it was fantastic. So I phoned them and booked a table for one of the nights this coming week. I told P I'd done it and that was when the trouble started.

"What am I going to eat then?" He asked after viewing their online menu. "They don't do anything but bloody pizzas, I mean I can find an appetiser on there sure but no main, unless you count a burger and they want notice if you intend to order the burger, which I don't, but in any case who the hell would order a burger and what makes it so special?"

I could tell he wasn't happy, I told him about the reviews, said they must be doing something right and then dropped out that Jane had been there and said it was really great too.

"Well I wouldn't count Jane's opinion too highly, she's visited McDonalds and Pizzahut with the kids too many times to have a balanced view"

So we argued mildly a bit and then I said that I'd made my mind up I'd be going anyway, whether he did or not. It was at that point I told him they used a specially made Italian wood fired pizza oven which apparently made a huge difference to the cooking, aside from sourcing all their ingredients from Italy. P said he didn't care if they had a wood fired oven he didn't even care if they fired it on logs from the Pope's back garden, he wouldn't be going there he'd given up on pizzas long ago and that was that. "And neither will you," he added.

So after telling him I wouldn't cancel the booking and would most certainly be attending, if not with him then with a friend, he told me the only thing anywhere near wood-fired related he saw in my immediate stars was a sound paddling. And it was pine wood and it didn't come from Italy. In less than a minute I was upstairs across my husband's lap, knickers down, getting my backside seared by an evil wooden paddle which Bogey sent me years ago,

which I hate, protesting my right to do as I pleased and to stop it this instant, which of course he didn't.

It stopped only when I stopped struggling and went limp, increased the sniffles and just lay there. P asked me if I was OK, I sniffled that I was sorry I really wouldn't go with someone else, I just thought it might be a nice new place to try, for both of us, and I thought the reviews were genuine. I let my sniffling sound as much as I could like crying, well why not. Then I heard him grunt, that meant he was considering what I'd said. Then the paddle dropped. 

Then his hand rested in the small of my back, consoling.

"So you say it's a real Italian wood fired oven," he said.

"That's what they say, you can read the reviews yourself."

"Hmph. That won't be necessary, it either will or it won't be." His hand had move down to my bottom now. I twitched it to let him know I was still his friend.

"Right. OK then I'll come with you. Just this once. But it better be good."

Then he told me my bottom felt warm, well hot actually. I told him it was, in my smallest possible voice, then said it had made me feel hot, very hot and I jumped and exaggerated an Ouch when he squeezed it. "You'd better come with me to the bedroom then, " he said. It wasn't to cure the heat in my bottom.

I hope the pizzas are good I really do.

Have a good week.



an English Rose said...

Hi Ronnie, well I hopw it is worth it!
love Jan, xx

Eric51 Amy49 said...

Ouch! That paddle looks deadly. Do tell once you've had the pizza.

Roz said...

Hi Ronnie,

Love the title :) that paddle does look ouchy! Hope the restaurant lives up to its reputation. You will have to update us.


Hermione said...

I hope you have a lovely time at the pizza place. It sounds great, but you never know about reviews. There are places we hated that have absolutely glowing reviews as well as some that agreed with us.


Terpsichore said...

Hope the pizzas are really good...but even if they aren't, it sounds like you had a nice afternoon! :-) Hugs

The Glenmore said...

You sure do spend a lot of time eating out while sitting on a sore bottom Ronnie.
I'd guess is you like a spanking as an appetizer?

PK said...

I most definitely want to hear whether or not he liked the pizza!

Our Bottoms Burn said...

You sure put your foot down "I'd made my mind up I'd be going anyway".

But after application of our softest paddle, it turned out well.

Leigh Smith said...

He is a piece of work - anxious to know if the pizza was any good. If it was as great as everyone seems to think it will be interesting to see how he handles a return visit.

Windy said...

I loved your clever writing, Ronnie!

Laughing... How does one "fall out" with the owner of an eatery? (You don't have to answer. It just made me think about what might cause my husband to have a disagreement with an owner of a restaurant and I can't even imagine it. hahaa )

Loved this line, "His hand had moved down to my bottom now. I twitched it to let him know I was still his friend." HAHAHAHAHA

Should you guys ever get to the U.S., you should try Chicago's deep dish as we have heard it is the best (unless you ask New York). Well, you should try it, and P can look down the length of his nose at it. It might even be worth the paddling he would give you. Then you'd have 2 things that you enjoy. ;)

Blondie said...

I hope the pizza is worth the paddling. My husband doesn't like pizza much either.

Rosie Jones said...

Well, you certainly got P fired up, Ronnie! Hope the pizzas turn out to be delicious.
Rosie xx

ronnie said...

Jan - I'm sure it will be:) Thanks.

Amy - It's not a favourite of mine. Thanks.

Roz - I will tell all when we've been. Thanks.

Hermione - I know what you mean. We'll see. Thanks.

Terps - I'm hoping the pizzas are good or my bottom will be suffering:) Thanks.

The Glenmore - There's no better appetizer:) Thanks.

PK - You certainly will. Thanks.

OBB - Softer, I'd hate to feel one of your harder paddles then. Thanks.

SG - I haven't told him but I spoke to another person who went last week and they said it was OK - just OK:( Thanks.

Windy - Thank you, nice of you to say. Chicago's deep, will have to rememebr that.

Blondie - I'll be paddled again if he doesn't like it, I'm sure of that. Thanks.

Rosie - Fired up:) I hope so too. Thanks.


Fondles said...

Ouch. I hope the pizza's worth it. But why on earth would you make a reservation without clearing it with him first? Surely you knew he wouldn't be thrilled about it...? or was *that* the plan? :)

Anonymous said...

That paddle looks good to me. I'd be willing to adopt it! ;)


ronnie said...

Fondles - As he hadn't a pizza for a very very long time so I thought, why not try it again. Thanks.

Yorkie - Bogey says it's one of his softer paddles but not to me:( Thanks.