Wednesday 8 March 2023

Fifty Sheds of grey

I know Fifty Shades of Grey is very old hat now. 

I popped into a friends the other day and she was in the middle of sorting books to take to the charity shop.  I took a look through some of them and to my surprise saw 3 of Fifty Shades of Grey books. I would never have thought my friend would read those books (she is vanilla as can be). She didn't see me looking at them and I didn't say anything. Maybe I was wrong and she isn't as vanilla as I thought. I shall be keeping my ears and eyes open when I visit again:)  I think a lot of people not into our games were just curious in Fifty Shades. I haven't read the book or seen the film.

Anyway, it reminded me of a book - Fifty Sheds of Grey (you may remember me posting about it. For those that don't and for anyone who didn't see the post. This is what the book is about.....

Fifty Sheds of Grey a spoof of Fifty Shades of Grey, and had been out-selling the original.

Written under the pseudonym - Colin Trevor Grey. Grey's life was happy and simple until that day everything changed - the day his wife read THAT book. Suddenly, he was thrust head first in to a dark, illicit world of pleasure and pain. This is one mans story of the struggle against a tide of tempestuous, erotic desire and the greatest love of all: the love between an man and his shed.

The book was spawned from a Twitter account that exchanged cheeky sadomasochism puns relating to sheds and gardening. He said "I write my Twitter account alone in my shed. It’s the only place I can get a moment’s peace – at least it was."  

Here's a few of the Tweets.  They did make me smile at the time. 

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

As we were discharged from the casualty department for the third time that month. We began to wonder whether we should change our safe word from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. (A Welsh village with the longest name in Britain)

I managed to stay calm as my wife expertly bounds my wrists an ankles. Although I have to admit I did get a little nervous when she bundled me in the boot of the car.

Make me feel pain like I've never felt before, she pleased blindfolded and naked. Alright, I said, placing Lego bricks on the shed floor.

By the time I'd finished her bottom was bright pink - I'd mixed up the baby oil and the thousand island dressing again.

I froze when I saw the room full of masks, saddles and oddly-shaped battery-powered devices. That was it - no more drunk-ebaying for me.

Are you sure you can take the pain? she demanded, brandishing her stilettos. I think so, I gulped. Here we go, then, she said and showed me the receipt.

Harder, she cried, gripping the workbench tightly,  Harder. Alright, I said. What's the gross national product of Nicaragua.

My body writhed and quivered from the pain. I had learned my next lesson. Never again would I leave an upturned plug on the shed floor.

Put on this rubber suit and mask, I insisted calmly. Mmmm....kinky, she purred. Yes, I said, plus you can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed room.

She stood before me, trembling and naked in my shed. I'm yours for the night, she gasped. You can do whatever you want with me. So I took her to Nando's.

It was damp, uncomfortable and didn't last very long but it's true what they say - you never forget your first shed.

I told her exactly what she should do in my sternest and most dominant voice and waited for her response. Finally it came. Please hold the line, your call is very important to us.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder, I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

I was excited but nervous. I'd finally been accepted into the BDSM community - Builders, Decorators and Shed Maintenance.

"Happy birthday," she said placing a riding crop in my hand and lowering her skirt, "Today's your lucky day." I couldn't believe it - I was getting a pony.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"I’m a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’ So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

After several hours of being subjected to the cane, my buttocks were sore and red. But that's garden furniture for you.

From that first encounter I was hooked - I just couldn't get enough of S and M (short for sheds and mowers)

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked "When I'm done you wont be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded. "Okay", I said, putting the three piece suite on eBay.

What about you, did you read the books or/and see the film?



Hermione said...

What a funny book! I hadn't read it but oh, so clever!

When I browse the bookshelves at the nearest thrift shop, I often see volumes in the 50 Shades series. Quite a lot of them, in fact.


PK said...

Excellent post - this tickled me!

Prefectdt said...

Walking on Lego Bricks! I will have to look that up. Perhaps for my next "Other people's kinks" post :)


Sore is more said...

I posted a long comment about 50 shades, and it's not there.

I know that it's the Blogger's fault. Probably went to spam. Haha My comment is too spicy for the Blogger bots.

Roz said...

Very clever, and very funny. I had heard of 50 Sheds, but haven't read it. Yep, guilty, read all 3 books and have mostly seen all the films.


Sore is more said...

Second attempt:

First and foremost, thank you for sharing the shed book, it's truly hilarious!!! Every tweet is top notch!

Now, back to the original 50 that deserved to be spoofed six ways to Sunday. In defense of your friend, back when the books were first published, every suburban housewife and her sister read them, vanilla or not. I saw it on a few coffee tables like a badge of honour. Which was a shame, really. I read two and a half books, don't remember now. The first one was so bad, I don't think it was proofread even, bad English, eww. The premise was ridiculous. But most importantly the books portrayed the certain four-letter community in a very wrong way, I read tons of reviews since then as it irked me endlessly, the popularity that was based on half-baked research and bad writing. But.. it brought a lot of attention to the community and it became more mainstream? more acceptable? out of the shadows? The ropes sales definitely went up.

The movie, shame on me, i went to see it on the opening night, on Valentine's Day of all days! I will never forget the looks the moviegoers were exchanging on the way out, you know, like eyes cast down, i know it's trash but i still went to see it. Oh boy...

Sorry for the long rant, i just couldn't resist. But on the other hand, i probably should be grateful. As i kept reading, i thought i probably can do better... It took me years to work up a courage to write my first story but I did, partially thanks to 50.

Erica Scott said...

The trilogy was awful. I didn't actually read any of the books in their entirety, but I read enough excerpts and snippets and plot summaries to see that they were badly written and filled with misinformation.

Then, just for the sake of cultural literacy, I watched the first movie. Afterward, my first thought was "I want those two hours back."

Two good things came out of that dreck. 1. A whole lot of hilarious spoofs, including the one posted here, and 2. Everyone and their mother started writing kinky books after the success of FSOG, and yours truly has the privilege of editing a whole lot of them.

Rob Allen said...

Never read the original but it gave me the opportunity to make this pun on a message board seven years ago:

"I read something recently about the intricacies of evaluating shea butter. The genetics of the trees and the climate in which they're grown create an incredible variety of characteristics.

The book was called Fifty Grades of Shea."

Ronnie Soul said...

Hermione - An amusing spoof. I've seen quite a few of the books in charity shops. Not a book to keep once you have read it. My opinion. Thanks.

PK - It was a fun read at the time.

Pref - I'm sure there is someone out there who has a kink for stepping on lego bricks:) I'll look forward to reading your post. Thanks.

Roz - It was clever. There were a few nice pictures of sheds in the book:) Thanks.

Erica - I heard from others at the time how badly written they were. I've not been tempted to watch it when it's been on TV. Thanks.

Sore is More - They did you a favour then. Good. Some of the spoofs were hilarious.

Rob - Never heard of that book. Amusing. Thanks.


Fondles said...

Oh those books were tolerable. I cringed but read them anyway. thankfully i didn't pay for them .

The movie was awful. 10 mins in and i got a massive headache. switched it off.

And those tweets are WAY MORE ENTERTAINING than the original :) Thanks for sharing them!

Ronnie Soul said...

Fondles - Can't comment on books (or movie) as not read a word, but from what you and others have said, I missed nothing:) Thanks.


Bogey said...

I missed this post. Excellent humor.

Anonymous said...

I missed this post. Excellent humor

Ronnie Soul said...

Bogey - Thanks. It was a fun book.