I managed to stay calm as my wife expertly bounds my wrists an ankles. Although I have to admit I did get a little nervous when she bundled me in the boot of the car.
Make me feel pain like I've never felt before, she pleased blindfolded and naked. Alright, I said, placing Lego bricks on the shed floor.
By the time I'd finished her bottom was bright pink - I'd mixed up the baby oil and the thousand island dressing again.
I froze when I saw the room full of masks, saddles and oddly-shaped battery-powered devices. That was it - no more drunk-ebaying for me.
Are you sure you can take the pain? she demanded, brandishing her stilettos. I think so, I gulped. Here we go, then, she said and showed me the receipt.
Harder, she cried, gripping the workbench tightly, Harder. Alright, I said. What's the gross national product of Nicaragua.
My body writhed and quivered from the pain. I had learned my next lesson. Never again would I leave an upturned plug on the shed floor.
Put on this rubber suit and mask, I insisted calmly. Mmmm....kinky, she purred. Yes, I said, plus you can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed room.
She stood before me, trebling and naked in my shed. I'm yours for the night, she gasped. You can do whatever you want with me. So I took her to Nando's.
It was damp, uncomfortable and didn't last very long but it's true what they say - you never forget your first shed.
I told her exactly what she should do in my sternest and most dominant voice and waited her response. Finally it came. Please hold the line, your call is very important to us.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder, I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
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Have a fun weekend.