Saturday, 6 October 2012

Spanking Party Answers

I want to thank everyone who stopped by and left a comment re my Spanking Party post and especially to all who were able to share their experiences with us.

Here are the questions answers in case anyone missed the original post...

1. If you've never attended one before - do you just go along and go up to the.. Maitre d'..?../organiser and introduce yourself.  Is there any protocol?

2. How do you let others know you would like to spank or be spanked? Do you just go right up to them and ask? Do some wear badges with their name and preferences, specialities  experience etc?  

3. If you've agreed to be spanked by someone you've never met until that day - how do you go about letting them know how much you can take/what implements/ safeword. With so many different preferences, tolerances etc, do you go off and agree more or less what's on and what's off (might be a bit clinical) or do you 'trust' someone you've maybe never met before (might be exciting dangerous) and also what about the safeword, who chooses it, is it a prerequisite, is it sacrosanct?

4. What happens if you're OTK and someone goes a little too far and doesn't stop even though you want it to, by safewording or some creep lets his hand wander where they shouldn't?  Is there a referee or do you give them a kick and tell them in no uncertain terms what you think of them?

5. Can you attend and not participate?

I will answer these the best I can! I just attended Shadow Lane last month... my first spanking party!

1. At the door there was a table where you could register if you didn't do so online. I actually never met the organizer, or if I did, I didn't realize who they were. Shadow Lane is a big party, so I imagine it would be different for smaller get togethers.

2. We all wore badges that had our name and four circles you could check off: Dom, Sub, Switch and Other. Many people had trouble seeing the details and would just ask... it is a great ice breaker, making way for conversation with new friends.

3. I only got spanked twice, the first time was in a group setting where limits were discussed prior to the scene. The second time, she asked as we went along, but I was pretty open going into it.

4. There was no referee, but much of the play happens in front of people and I would think anyone of them would come to your rescue. I think the rules of private play are like those if you were to engage in private play outside of a spanking party. One suite had privacy cubicles, where you could play in private, but had the security of people being nearby in case anything like that were to happen.

5. Yes! I participated to the most minimum degree. I never felt out of place, but it was very much like being on a diet at a buffet! Takes a lot of will power!

I'm not sure if you saw my party reports, but just in case, here, here and here.

1. Many parties require an application before the address of the venue is provided. Sometimes the organizers will talk to the applicants first or ask for references. This is more important for male tops. A good organizer will discuss the protocols with a male including safe words, dress code, hand placement during a spanking, etc.

If approved, the address of the venue is released to the applicant. A good organizer will ask the new party goers to introduce themselves in person at the start of the event. The organizer will introduce the new person to experienced members of the club who will help them meet people. Often there are chat rooms or message boards so that new party goers can introduce themselves and meet others online before the party.

2. At SCONY parties, I put on a name tag (scene name) with a color that indicates if I am a Top, Switch or Bottom. I wrote my preference on my name tag for Shadow Lane.

A new person should talk and connect with people first. Experienced members try to help them feel comfortable and meet other members. Hopefully, a first timer has emailed some party goers first and arranged to meet a couple of people.

A top will ask a female if you want to play once they have met you. Male bottoms must ask to be spanked! Usually females do not have to ask to be spanked, but some do. You can agree to play or not. A top should not be offended by a no. Often the people you met online or at the party will suggest a top or introduce you to one.

3. All tops should discuss your limits with you. For a first time party goer, most tops will go easy. A top must discuss safe words with you as well. A safe word is "sacred." Use of a safe word means stop.

I start with easy spanks by hand and ask if it is OK. I will build up a little harder and ask again. For a new person, I may use my soft leather paddle for a few spanks as well. I want the first experience with me to be fun. Almost all experienced male tops I know will follow this process for new players.

As a first time party goer, a female should rely on other female bottoms for advice on who is a good top. If no one knows a male top, I would suggest not playing with him. Again, this is for a first time party goer.

4. I know female friends who have experienced both of the situations you describe. At a SCONY event, a female in distress can be heard by other guests. The type of misbehavior you describe would cause someone to be ejected and banned from future parties. Hotel parties, where play is in rooms, creates a higher degree of risk for the female.

5. Sometimes, a person will attend a party for the first time and not play. Just attending a party takes a lot of courage. I try to encourage a female to try a very light hand spanking over pants as a means of stress release. I know from experience that they will be upset at the end of the party if they did not have at least one experience.

At the SCONY parties I attend, experienced members guide and help new party goers. We were once newbies and know how emotional a first party is for most people.

Joey has kindly invited anyone who has more questions to email him or if your a little shy send them to me and I'll pass them on.

Our Bottom Burns...
Others have answered about the "public" parties. I will answer about the smaller "private" parties. You are invited and know something about everyone that will be there before you arrive. You have had the opportunity to IM, exchange emails, talk with others before the party. So you know the players, who spanks, who wants to spank, how they like to play and with that degree of familiarity, you don't have wandering hands.

Have known one or two that said they were just going to watch. They did not watch long.

Most parties have their own protocols. SSNY and SCONY (in NY) as well as MSA, all tend to be quite solicitous to the new bottom. SSNY's tend to be larger and louder, while on the other side MSA is very small and every guest has been fully vetted.

All of the suggestions are good:
1. Start by observing.
2. You can ask one of the organizers for safe people to introduce you to for your first experience.
3. Talk with other subs.
4. If you talk with a top and he wants to play, he should be the one bringing up safewords, limits, etc.
5. Routinely I will check with a play partner to see how they are doing (especially if I know they are a newbie).
6. Go to a MUNCH. This is not a play party but is frequently people that go to play parties.
They meet in a very vanilla setting and discuss things in general or a party following the munch.
7. If you feel pressured to play or do something you don't want to STOP. The parties are based on mutual consent.

I have heard of things going awry, but oddly enough, not at the parties I attended.

If you use reasonable caution and common sense, you should have a good time.

Inappropriate touching does occur, but I believe this happens more frequently in dungeons, BDSM parties than at "pure" spanking parties.

I am not saying it never does, but I would say it is considerable less.

People who do inappropriate touching find that they are not welcome at most spanking parties.

The three main ones in NY (MSA, SCONY and SSNY) all would immediately throw anyone out who engaged in that behavior.

1. Even the "public" events are somewhat private in the sense that you typically do some sort of registration before finding out where and when the party is.

This is for everyone's safety so things don't get crashed by vanillas or worse, some crazy FBI spanking sting operation. ;-)

2. I'm sure people would LOVE if you went right up and asked! That is one direct way to initiate things. Usually there are name tags where you can indicate your role or "just observing."

Smaller private parties aren't necessarily set up this way. At local BDSM events I've attended it's a lot more difficult to know who is into what and how to approach since it isn't "just" a spanking party.

3. I've always had a conversation, sometimes a few, with the person I'm thinking about being spanked by. That way we can both talk about our preferences and limits. "Just so you know, I bruise easily so don't be freaked out" or "I really love leather." Whatever you think might be important to mention.

Some people may not do safewords, but I always discuss what safewords will be in place, even with people who have spanked me many, many times. I know someone who thinks it's not necessary and silly. "It's a spanking? What's the worst that could happen?" he says. Personally, I don't want to find out. No one has objected to me having them in place and if they did I would find someone else to play with.

4. If something clearly inappropriate happens, one can usually tell the party organizer or whoever else might be around to get help handling it. Most people I know would swiftly kick the offender out.

These situations seem few and far between, but having recently experienced one I can't say enough about the importance of speaking up. If you don't say something, it can't be fixed. If you don't tell anyone, they can't help you.

5. Absolutely. Even with the group I attend frequently and know people well, there are times I switch to the "just observing" tag. Sometimes I'm just tired out or my bottom has had enough for the moment. People are always respectful of that.

Secret Spanko also wrote a funny, detailed report here of his admittedly brief but chockfull experience at TASSP, the party in Dallas last June. Very different from Shadow Lane in Vegas.

Anyone been to a UK spanking party?  Love to hear from you if you have.

Enjoy the weekend.



Anonymous said...

The MUNCH sounds a really good idea.Don't think what I've been to would count as a party but it sure made for a nice change to the old routine !Sarah,LD,UK

Hermione said...

That's a lot of very good information. thanks for sharing.


sunnygirl said...

Thanks for the education. Have a great weekend Ronnie

SNP said...

Thanks for the summary, Ronnie. Also thanks to those who took the time to respond. Happy Weekend.

Emen said...

Incredible response. And makes me think no one should worry about trying it out. So many good people willing to instruct and help :)


Nice to see such sharing of information. And interesting to those of us who have never attended one of the large, public parties.


Anonymous said...

I had always wondered....

I just know if I went to one, I'd be surprised by a neighbor or a colleague at work who was there, too. And then we'd find out just a little more than we wanted to about each other :)

Michael M said...

Lots of good advice from others. Let us know if you take up the party pastime.
If you don't go to the real thing have you seen the film DVD Exit to Eden?
You probably have but if not you would enjoy it. Safe party watching in the comfort of your own home and good fun. You can get it at quite a few download sites or good snippets on You Tube.

Lea said...

@Mick, That's why you choose parties that are across the country. ;-)

Thanks for sharing Ronnie and I hope the information was helpful to some.

ronnie said...

Sarah - I like the idea of a MUNCH. Would help break the ice. Thanks Sarah

Hermione - All down to our friends taking the time to share. Thanks Hermione.

SG - Good reading. Thanks SG.

SNP - All thanks to the friends who shared their experiences with us. Thanks SNP.

Emen - I agree. I think I'd be quite happy attending one. Shame I don't live in America. Thanks Emen.

Prefectdt - Yes very interesting and such detailed answers. I was hoping I'd get someone comment who has attended one in the UK. Thanks Pref.

Mick - LOL. That's what would probably happen to me. Thanks Mick.

Lea - Very helpful. I know if I ever attend one I have friends who would be more than happy to give advice. Thank Lea for such excellent, honest and detailed answers.