Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Spanking Parties

Spanking parties have always interested me and I've enjoyed reading the recent reports on the Shadow Lane party. I was going to email a few bloggers who attended to ask a couple of questions but then I thought others might be interested too so why not post. 

Now my questions may sound silly but nevertheless I'm going to ask and would be delighted if some of you who attended (or anyone who has attended other events) would have time to answer.

I am of course asking as a newbie (which I would be), wanting to attend (which I might be) :)

1. If you've never attended one before - do you just go along and go up to the.. Maitre d'..?../organiser and introduce yourself.  Is there any protocol?

2. How do you let others know you would like to spank or be spanked? Do you just go right up to them and ask? Do some wear badges with their name and preferences, specialities  experience etc? 

3. If you've agreed to be spanked by someone you've never met until that day - how do you go about letting them know how much you can take/what implements/ safeword. With so many different preferences, tolerances etc, do you go off and agree more or less what's on and what's off (might be a bit clinical) or do you 'trust' someone you've maybe never met before (might be exciting dangerous) and also what about the safeword, who chooses it, is it a prerequisite, is it sacrosanct?

4. What happens if you're OTK and someone goes a little too far and doesn't stop even though you want it to, by safewording or some creep lets his hand wander where they shouldn't?  Is there a referee or do you give them a kick and tell them in no uncertain terms what you think of them?

5. Can you attend and not participate?

I'd love to know, I really would.


Couldn't find the right picture (but you know me and pictures) Let me know if it's yours so I can credit.


Michael M said...

Since you like Spain and you enjoy Spanking you might start your investigations here

Never been to a party - my other half is unlikely to agree.
Let us know what you discover.

mrandmrsb said...

What about the buffet???????

bobbsroom said...

Hi Ronnie

Thanks for posting these questions, I would like to attend a few events one day when I have more time. It is also the ones i would like to ask and will be very interested in the answers from the more experienced.

I also love to know, I really would


ronnie said...

Michael - Thanks for the link. Did see that one advertised but haven't read much about it.

Mr&MrsB - Yes I suppose they have food:) Maybe someone will tell you.

Bob - I'm sure our friends will be more than happy to answer so check back later or tomorrow. Thanks Bob.


PK said...

Great post Ronnie,
I've had the very same questions and I'm anxious to read some answers. Another thing that holds me back it the thought that everyone else there would be 30 or less with perfect bodies! I know that's not likely to be true, because that doesn't describe most of us writing out here. But I still think about it.


SpankCake said...

Hi Ronnie!

I will answer these the best I can! I just attended Shadow Lane last month... my first spanking party!

1. At the door there was a table where you could register if you didn't do so online. I actually never met the organizer, or if I did, I didn't realize who they were. Shadow Lane is a big party, so I imagine it would be different for smaller get togethers.

2. We all wore badges that had our name and four circles you could check off: Dom, Sub, Switch and Other. Many people had trouble seeing the details and would just ask... it is a great ice breaker, making way for conversation with new friends.

3. I only got spanked twice, the first time was in a group setting where limits were discussed prior to the scene. The second time, she asked as we went along, but I was pretty open going into it.

4. There was no referee, but much of the play happens in front of people and I would think anyone of them would come to your rescue. I think the rules of private play are like those if you were to engage in private play outside of a spanking party. One suite had privacy cubicles, where you could play in private, but had the security of people being nearby in case anything like that were to happen.

5. Yes! I participated to the most minimum degree. I never felt out of place, but it was very much like being on a diet at a buffet! Takes a lot of will power!

I'm not sure if you saw my party reports, but just in case, here they are:


Anonymous said...


I have attended many parties and I want you to know that your questions are excellent. I will try to provide brief but thoughtful answers.

1. Many parties require an application before the address of the venue is provided. Sometimes the organizers will talk to the applicants first or ask for references. This is more important for male tops. A good organizer will discuss the protocols with a male including safe words, dress code, hand placement during a spanking, etc.

If approved, the address of the venue is released to the applicant. A good organizer will ask the new party goers to introduce themselves in person at the start of the event. The organizer will introduce the new person to experienced members of the club who will help them meet people. Often there are chat rooms or message boards so that new party goers can introduce themselves and meet others online before the party.

2. At SCONY parties, I put on a name tag (scene name) with a color that indicates if I am a Top, Switch or Bottom. I wrote my preference on my name tag for Shadow Lane.

A new person should talk and connect with people first. Experienced members try to help them feel comfortable and meet other members. Hopefully, a first timer has emailed some party goers first and arranged to meet a couple of people.

A top will ask a female if you want to play once they have met you. Male bottoms must ask to be spanked! Usually females do not have to ask to be spanked, but some do. You can agree to play or not. A top should not be offended by a no. Often the people you met online or at the party will suggest a top or introduce you to one.

3. All tops should discuss your limits with you. For a first time party goer, most tops will go easy. A top must discuss safe words with you as well. A safe word is "sacred." Use of a safe word means stop.

I start with easy spanks by hand and ask if it is OK. I will build up a little harder and ask again. For a new person, I may use my soft leather paddle for a few spanks as well. I want the first experience with me to be fun. Almost all experienced male tops I know will follow this process for new players.

As a first time party goer, a female should rely on other female bottoms for advice on who is a good top. If no one knows a male top, I would suggest not playing with him. Again, this is for a first time party goer.

4. I know female friends who have experienced both of the situations you describe. At a SCONY event, a female in distress can be heard by other guests. The type of misbehavior you describe would cause someone to be ejected and banned from future parties. Hotel parties, where play is in rooms, creates a higher degree of risk for the female.

5. Sometimes, a person will attend a party for the first time and not play. Just attending a party takes a lot of courage. I try to encourage a female to try a very light hand spanking over pants as a means of stress release. I know from experience that they will be upset at the end of the party if they did not have at least one experience.

At the SCONY parties I attend, experienced members guide and help new party goers. We were once newbies and know how emotional a first party is for most people.

Excellent questions Ronnie!


PS I invite your readers to send me an email if they have more questions or want a more detailed explanation.

Hermione said...

Hi Ronnie,

Those are excellent questions that I would ask too, if I ever considered attending a party. I knew Joey would give you sound advice.


Our Bottoms Burn said...

Others have answered about the "public" parties. I will answer about the smaller "private" parties. You are invited and know something about everyone that will be there before you arrive. You have had the opportunity to IM, exchange emails, talk with others before the party. So you know the players, who spanks, who wants to spank, how they like to play and with that degree of familiarity, you don't have wandering hands.

Have known one or two that said they were just going to watch. They did not watch long.

ronnie said...

PK - Looking forward to reading answers. I think the age range would 25+ - 60+ but I could be wrong. Thanks PK.

SC - Your first one, must have been so exciting for you. Yes I forgot that a lot of the spanking takes place in front of people. How did you feel about that being as it was your first time at one?
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer and give such detailed answers and thanks for the links will definitely have a read when I have a little more time.

Joey - Thank you for the detailed answers. So you do wear name tags with preferences.
I could image a newbie feeling very overwhelmed attending but a small event could have it's advantages. Thank you for the offer for anyone to email you with more questions they may have, very kind of you. If you get any I hope you will share them with us.

Hermione - Thank you Hermione. Joey was one of the bloggers I would have emailed as I know he's attended many.

OBB - Thanks for answering on the smaller events. I think you would feel easier having emailed a few people before hand but still quite daunting going. Do people really not mind you attending and watching?


SNP said...

Ronnie, great questions and good idea for a post. I enjoyed reading Joey's and Spankcake's answers. It sounds like everyone takes great care with comfort level and so I think that would be key in attending. Thanks so much for posting.

Emen said...

I was going to refer you to Spankcake and Joey but I knew they'd comment. It's worth reading every word of their posts on Shadow Lane because they are such skilled writers. Their reportage has the intimacy, humor and detail of a personal letter from a (very talented) friend.

Secret Spanko also wrote a funny, detailed report of his admittedly brief but chockfull experience at TASSP, the party in Dallas last June. Very different from Shadow Lane in Vegas:

I think what impressed me the most this first time ever reading about parties was that so many favorite bloggers attended. Lea and Erica Scott also wrote great reports. Wouldn't it be amazing if we all could meet like that?

Spankcake has said she'd host a Blogger Suite. Even with fears and uncertainties I'd be much more willing to go knowing loving hands would guide me. And maybe spank me :)

Great post! Makes me dream.

MrJ said...

Somehow, the picture has the flavour of ine those medieval pictures of Paradise.

Ad 2:I think I would sense the other's identity.
Afraid I can't help you further.

Anonymous said...

You clever thing, you.Questions that both inform/protect you and develop your own understanding before you commit.We went to a local party a few months ago but it was too BDSM for me.What was nice, however, was the generous welcome.Suppose I'd have to venture down South to go specifically to one of these.Never say never.....Sarah,LD,UK

sixofthebest said...

Ronnie, can I ask you a serious question. Did you discover, a new Rembrant, Van Gogh, or Picasso. Because that 'Spanking Picure", looks like a 'masterpiece' to me.

kiwigirliegirl said...

Ronnie, I think they are great questions, all i would ask myself...i wanted to comment first, now im going to go back and read any answers. Love the pic btw :)
(Im kinda interested in spanking parties too - scared of and interested in - if that makes sense)
Hugs kiwi xxx

Anonymous said...

Most parties have their own protocols. SSNY and SCONY (in NY) as well as MSA, all tend to be quite solicitous to the new bottom. SSNY's tend to be larger and louder, while on the other side MSA is very small and every guest has been fully vetted.

All of the suggestions are good:
1. Start by observing.
2. You can ask one of the organizers for safe people to introduce you to for your first experience.
3. Talk with other subs.
4. If you talk with a top and he wants to play, he should be the one bringing up safewords, limits, etc.
5. Routinely I will check with a play partner to see how they are doing (especially if I know they are a newbie).
6. Go to a MUNCH. This is not a play party but is frequently people that go to play parties.
They meet in a very vanilla setting and discuss things in general or a party following the munch.
7. If you feel pressured to play or do something you don't want to STOP. The parties are based on mutual consent.

I have heard of things going awry, but oddly enough, not at the parties I attended.

If you use reasonable caution and common sense, you should have a good time.


Anonymous said...

Golly, I didn't know that females couldn't be abusive as tops. I also didn't know that it was some sort of universal law at spanking parties that male bottoms "have" to ask to be spanked - I guess I was imagining those females who asked to spank me.

I'm so glad Joey set me straight!


Lea said...

You've had some good responses already, but I'll add on.

1. Even the "public" events are somewhat private in the sense that you typically do some sort of registration before finding out where and when the party is.

This is for everyone's safety so things don't get crashed by vanillas or worse, some crazy FBI spanking sting operation. ;-)

2. I'm sure people would LOVE if you went right up and asked! That is one direct way to initiate things. Usually there are name tags where you can indicate your role or "just observing."

Smaller private parties aren't necessarily set up this way. At local BDSM events I've attended it's a lot more difficult to know who is into what and how to approach since it isn't "just" a spanking party.

3. I've always had a conversation, sometimes a few, with the person I'm thinking about being spanked by. That way we can both talk about our preferences and limits. "Just so you know, I bruise easily so don't be freaked out" or "I really love leather." Whatever you think might be important to mention.

Some people may not do safewords, but I always discuss what safewords will be in place, even with people who have spanked me many, many times. I know someone who thinks it's not necessary and silly. "It's a spanking? What's the worst that could happen?" he says. Personally, I don't want to find out. No one has objected to me having them in place and if they did I would find someone else to play with.

4. If something clearly inappropriate happens, one can usually tell the party organizer or whoever else might be around to get help handling it. Most people I know would swiftly kick the offender out.

These situations seem few and far between, but having recently experienced one I can't say enough about the importance of speaking up. If you don't say something, it can't be fixed. If you don't tell anyone, they can't help you.

5. Absolutely. Even with the group I attend frequently and know people well, there are times I switch to the "just observing" tag. Sometimes I'm just tired out or my bottom has had enough for the moment. People are always respectful of that.

ronnie said...

SNP - I've always been interested in spanking parties so I thought why not ask. I hope you come back and read the other answers. Thanks SNP.

Emen - I've read some of the reports but not all yet (but I'll get around to them) We'd need a large place for all of us to meet but what a weekend that would be:) I'm also interested in people hosting a suite, I'd like to hear more on that. Thanks Emen and thanks for the links.

Mr.J - Thanks for stopping by. I hope you've popped back and read the rest of the answers.

Sarah - You dark horse, you. Now tell me more, I want to hear please. Thanks Sarah.

SOTB - LOL. I thought it was lovely but I can't remember where I got it from. Thanks SOTB.

KG - Yes it does make sense - scared and interested, exactly. Thanks KG

Rob - I like that in your opinion anyone who wants to play should bring up the safeword, I would feel fairly trusting of him. Going to a munch sounds like a good idea. I still think my first one would be as an observer:) Thanks so much for taking time Rob.

Clarence - Hello. Such detailed answers, aren't they. I didn't know a male bottom had to ask either. Thanks Clarence.

Lea - I was hoping you'd join in. I wouldn't trust anyone who said no to a safwword. If anything inappropriate happened it would surely freak me out and probably would never attend again. What did you do (or have you posted about it?) Thanks so much Lea. Really informative.

Such honest, informative and detailed answers so I will post in case anyone missed them.


Florida Dom said...

What an interesting topic. I've read the Shadow Lane site but I have never attended a play party. Thanks for bringing up the topic and getting such good answers.


Our Bottoms Burn said...

No problem just watching and talking. Tho I can not recall anyone doing it very long.

The #1 rule is that both you and P not be at all jealous. That's a killer.

Anonymous said...

Ronnie -

One thing I forgot to mention. Inappropriate touching does occur, but I believe this happens more frequently in dungeons, BDSM parties than at "pure" spanking parties.

I am not saying it never does, but I would say it is considerable less.

People who do inappropriate touching find that they are not welcome at most spanking parties.

The three main ones in NY (MSA, SCONY and SSNY) all would immediately throw anyone out who engaged in that behavior.


ronnie said...

FD - Very interesting. Shame I don't live in the US as we could all go together.

OBB - Who said I would be going with P:)

Rob - If someone was reported would they be banned from any future parties, suppose they would. Thanks Rob.


Bobbie Jo said...

I haven't been to a party, either, and I will be attending a local one next month. I will mostly be observing and getting to know people. I will be finding out who will be going and making contact before the event.

These are very good questions and I have been reading what others have said about party etiquette and what to watch for. I know Erica has had a lot to say about it as well as those who go to several each year. Keep asking around from those who know and you will get some good advice.

ronnie said...

Bobbie Jo - Hello. I'd be excited, nervous and a little scared but I think an excellent idea to make contact with people before you go. Hope you have a wonderful time. Thank you Bobbie Jo.